READ THIS FIRST
Welcome to the RankJenk Kitchen! Every recipe below is for ordinary food that you can buy at a normal grocery store. They are named after our "products" as a joke. We do not make, sell, or explain anything else. Please do not huff anything.
1. THE "JENKEM CLASSIC" SMOOTHIE
SERVES 2 | 5 MIN | RANK: ★★★★★
Contains zero jenkem. Contains strawberries.
Ingredients
- 2 cups frozen strawberries
- 1 ripe banana
- 1/2 cup orange juice
- 1/2 cup plain or vanilla yogurt
- A handful of ice (optional)
Directions
- Pour the juice and yogurt into a blender first, then add the fruit and ice.
- Blend for about 45 seconds, until smooth.
- Pour into two glasses and drink right away while it's cold.
2. GAS STATION NACHOS
SERVES 2 | 10 MIN | RANK: ★★★★☆
Inspired by the Gas Station Edition. Tastes like a good decision at 2AM.
Ingredients
- Big handful of tortilla chips (about 6 oz)
- 1 1/2 cups shredded cheddar or Mexican blend cheese
- Pickled jalapeno slices
- Salsa and sour cream, for topping
Directions
- Heat the oven to 400°F (200°C).
- Spread the chips on a baking sheet and cover them with the cheese.
- Bake 5 to 7 minutes, until the cheese is melted and bubbly.
- Top with jalapenos, salsa, and sour cream.
- For full authenticity, eat standing up under a buzzing light.
3. SCENTED CANDLE CUPCAKES
MAKES 12 | 45 MIN | RANK: ★★★★★
Do not eat the candle. We cannot stress this enough.
Ingredients
- 1 box vanilla cake mix, plus the eggs, oil, and water it calls for
- 1 tub vanilla frosting
- 12 birthday candles
- Sprinkles
Directions
- Make the batter following the box, fill a lined 12-cup muffin tin, and bake at 350°F (175°C) for 18 to 22 minutes.
- Let the cupcakes cool completely, then frost them.
- Add sprinkles and stick one candle in each cupcake.
- Light them, sing, and blow them out. Remove the candles before eating.
4. RANK #1 BROWNIES
MAKES 9 | 40 MIN | RANK: ★★★★★
Cut into nine pieces and give yourself first place.
Ingredients
- 1 box brownie mix, plus the oil, eggs, and water it calls for
- 1/2 cup chocolate chips
- Flaky sea salt
Directions
- Heat the oven to 350°F (175°C) and grease an 8x8 inch pan.
- Mix the batter following the box, then fold in the chocolate chips.
- Bake 25 to 30 minutes, until a toothpick comes out with a few moist crumbs.
- Sprinkle with salt, cool for 20 minutes, and cut into 9 squares.
5. ZERO SUGAR FLOAT
SERVES 1 | 3 MIN | RANK: ★★★☆☆
Zero sugar soda, plus ice cream. We do not talk about the ice cream.
Ingredients
- 1 can diet cola or any zero sugar soda, chilled
- 2 scoops vanilla ice cream
- 1 tall glass and a straw
Directions
- Put the ice cream in the glass.
- Pour the soda in slowly, because it will foam up fast.
- Add a straw and a spoon. Enjoy.